The singer chose to stay anonymous, so I am using french horn (FH) as the name.

Aimee: How did you start in music? 

FH: Well, my mom played piano and sings, and I grew up in church, so I grew up in a musical world that way. She played for church services and sang all the time, and my three older siblings and I all had to take piano lessons up until a certain point, but then we could quit if we wanted to. I begged my mom when I was three or four to start learning piano, but she said no until I was five. All my siblings quit, so being the youngest child, I said “no, I'm going to stick with it,” and I really enjoyed it. It was a fun way to connect with my family and with my mom, and as I got older, I joined a choir in middle school and high school, but I never really thought I had a singing voice. I played French horn in band, and I also begged to learn the violin, so I started learning the violin and took French horn lessons. I thought I was going to go to school to be a music teacher, but I was more interested in the instrumental side. When I went to college, I went for music education and auditioned, but I couldn't pick between piano, French horn, and voice, so I auditioned with all three: piano, horn, and singing. One of the reasons I chose Hastings College was because they let me do all three, and they gave me a scholarship for it. I didn't take singing lessons or anything, but I was required to take voice lessons for my degree, so it wasn't until my voice teacher said “You have a fairly good voice, you could make money singing,” and I thought “okay, you know, I've never gotten that affirmation before, so let's do it,” and I really enjoyed it. I used to make fun of opera and never really liked it, but I didn't understand it. Having to learn about it, I discovered that this is a really cool art form, and I actually really love it. My undergrad didn’t have an opera program, so I had never been exposed to it, so when I went into my master’s degree for voice performance, I was lacking much in how opera works. Because up until that point, I was singing arias, and that was it. 

Aimee: Where did you do your Master's Degree?  

FH: I went to the University of Kansas (KU) for my master's, and that's how I found Dr. Maria Kanyova. My undergraduate teacher got her doctorate at KU, and she had good things to say about it. She went to school with Maria, actually, but they were a little bit off set, so they didn't really know each other that well. She knew that Maria had started teaching at KU, so I had a sample lesson, as you do, and loved it. I don't know what else to do with my life, so let's do this.  I got my master's degree and that's where things kind of took off and I really felt like I was finally understanding and figuring out my voice with Maria. Then I went on to do my doctorate because I loved singing and loved teaching, and I thought maybe I would do the teaching/singing combo and now we're here. 

Aimee: What was the opera program like at KU? 

FH: As I entered KU, it was in refiguring itself out period, so up until I started going there, they had been doing shows every year, and they had a tight program. When I started there, I think some changes had happened, which made them revamp the program, but they still had a strong program. Their voice teachers were great, like Dr. Genaro Mendez. He was a wonderful professor to work with. I feel like I grew a lot with those teachers because they had that Midwest charm. I grew up in Nebraska, so I was coming from a very small town. It was very overwhelming, so it helped to have these Midwestern, polite teachers helping me figure it out. Also, the musicology program there is amazing because of the faculty. I think some of them are retired now, but I felt like I was able to catch up on my opera understanding with their help, which was great. I feel that your master's degree goes by really quickly because it's only two years. It's a lot of fun and I feel like everyone just has a blast. I really enjoyed that a lot and there were good singers there, so I learned a lot from the people around me and it was a good growth period because I learned a lot about myself and what it would look like to be in the industry.  

Aimee: What was the first opera you performed in? 

FH: My first opera I performed in was at KU in the chorus for Le Nozze di Figaro. I was one of the girls that had a duet in the middle of Figaro. My next role was Suor Angelica in Suor Angelica. Then I was part of the Strawberry Fields production, a newer opera written for Joyce Castle, a voice professor there.

Aimee: What was your experience doing Suor Angelica since it was your first role? 

FH: It was very stressful. It’s a big, big heavy emotional role, and then musically challenging. It was a lot. I didn't really know what I was getting myself into. I started working on it, and thank God I had Maria as my teacher because she helped me a lot with it since she had done the role. I learned so much from her and from the process. In your master's degree, you just kind of pile it on. My roommate was one of the other singers in the show playing Principessa, so we ran lines together all the time. Thankfully, I had a lot of people around me who were working on it, and we helped each other through it. This is the first opera role that really stretched my understanding of how to portray a character and how to get into that, especially with the heavy nature of Suor Angelica because you can't separate your personal life and what you're doing. It felt like therapy because I had to learn to access my emotions and Angelica’s.  It was a learning process in that way. 

Aimee: After you finished your Master's at KU, you went straight to your doctorate at UMKC. During your time there talk about the roles you had and which one was most impactful?  

FH: The first one they happened to be doing was Suor Angelica the first semester I was there, so I sang Suor Angelica, and then for the spring, I covered Rodelinda in Rodelinda. The next year, I did Gretel in Hansel and Gretel, then in the spring, I did Francis’ Poulenc La Voix Humaine. That was probably my favorite year. That was my life changing year. The next year, we did La finta giardiniera, and I played Arminda and then in the spring we did Die Fledermaus. The next spring was 2020, and I was in Albert Herring as Lady Billows and performing Suor Angelica with Heartland Opera theater, I was driving back and forth from Joplin doing rehearsals here, doing rehearsals there, all over the place, but then everything was cancelled because of COVID. I was also the YAP for LOKC, and I started that in the fall of 2019 and went through the spring of 2021. After spring 2020, I just focused on finishing my degree and being in the LOKC chorus. 

Aimee: Of the roles you did in school, which were your favorites? 

FH: Gretel and the Poulenc. Those were my two favorites; they were just phenomenal. Getting to do them with our director Fenland was a big part of it because she stretched me in every way, and I grew so much with her in my acting. I finally felt confident with my acting. Gretel will always remain near and dear to my heart because that was the one that taught me a lot about my own self-confidence.  I was not supposed to get that role because I'm tall and have a large chest, and they were thinking of other people for that role. When I was listening to the music, I knew I needed this role and wanted this role. I already knew that Fenland had other people in mind, and I was going to miss the auditions, so I got special permission from her to videotape my audition and send it in to her beforehand. I learned that little excerpt the with the high D. It was a really bad recording because I did it with my phone and in Maria's office, and I blew out the microphone. I bound my chest, wore my most young girly dress with a cardigan, braided my hair, and I just went for it. I went all the way in on it, and I got the role. I was so proud of that, and Fenland told me that I was not her first choice, and that she was not going to choose me. But then, she watched the video and thought that it was incredible. I was so proud of it, but I had a lot of self-doubts of not really getting anything. You know? But I knew I just had to go for it and then it will happen. 

And then Poulenc. I don't know if you're familiar with it, you should listen to it. It is a beautiful one woman, one act show, about an hour long. It's like 58 minutes of just this woman on stage. It’s similar to The Telephone by Menotti since they're both based on the same novella. The story is about a woman having a conversation with herself on the phone, but we don't know at first who she's talking to on the phone, but we discover that it’s an ex-lover. She's still in love with him and can't get over him. It's just very dark, moody and heavy because she kills herself at the end. It was such an inspiring that show, and Fenland directed like film noir, which inspired me to do my DMA recording project of Bluebeards Castle in the noir style. 

That role especially was a big deal for me because that was the year I realized I was gay, and I hadn't come out to anyone yet, so that role had a lot of personal weight to it. In rehearsals, we always talked about it being a man on the phone, and I didn't feel comfortable with that because I grew up Southern Baptist, and I had a lot of internalized homophobia. I wasn't comfortable telling anyone, even though I knew they wouldn't care, and they would be happy for me, but I just couldn't do it at the time we were. In the middle of a show, I was a mess. Secretly, I imagined it was a woman on the phone or maybe an ex-boyfriend. It was kind of one or the other sometimes. It also was the hardest music I'd ever done. We had just done Gretel, and this show made Gretel seem easy.

Aimee: Wow, that must’ve been difficult then. I want to ask, did you audition for any summer young artist programs while you were in your DMA? If so, talk about that experience.

FH: I started auditioning the year before I went to KU for my masters. I'd never done a summer program, and I have sent a lot of applications, and it was very much that story of I got some auditions, and didn’t get others. I did one summer program in Italy, but that was one of those programs where your teachers are also going, so you don't have to audition, you just go to study. It was amazing experience, and that stuck out to me as another momentous part of my life. When I was in my first year at KU, I applied to the Italian summer program that a couple of other students had done, and they did recorded the video auditions at KU, and then sent it in form there. The program was doing Suor Angelica, and I learned the aria, but I still had a young voice. I thought, “one day, maybe I could do Suor Angelica,” but I didn't have vocal lessons in high school, and I didn't know what opera was until my master’s degree. The person who was facilitating the recordings, turned the video recording off, and he said, “can I be honest with you?”And I thought “Oh, that's never what you want to hear.” But I said,” Yeah, you can.” He said “you're never going to be Suor. You just don't have the voice for it. The woman who sang before you, that was a Suor, Angelica. You should be singing stuff like Mozart, like Susanna’s aria “Deh Vieni.” You don't have the voice for this and said I will never sing the role.” Then I went on and sing it three times, so that was my middle finger moment to people's perceptions of what they think you can do and showing them that they’re wrong. Just because someone tells me their opinion, that's their opinion, and it doesn't mean it's true about me. When he was telling me all of that, I said thank you while crying as he was telling me. I then ran out and went into the bathroom stall and called Maria. She was very kind and obviously helped me through it. From then on, I got these comments from different auditions that said, “your voice is very unique. It's going to stick out in a chorus setting because by the time I really started auditioning for these places, I was a little older than they wanted me to be, and yet not with the voice that they wanted me to have.

When you have for lack of a better word, a big voice, it takes a long time to mature, and I had a very long journey to get to where I am. I'm still figuring it out, so it was either that my voice was too unique or that I really should be singing the main role, but you don't have the experience, and we hire seasoned professionals do the main roles. We're asking our young artists to do like little bits, and you don't have a small voice. That was always very confusing feedback because I was a slow cooker, and I kept asking myself, “Am I good enough? Or am I not good enough?” Naturally, I have a lot of metal to my voice that we always are trying to calm down and because of that, people always say I should sing the German repertoire like Strauss and Wagner, but I don't want to because that can ruin a voice, and I don't want to do that.

Aimee: With some of the experiences you just mentioned, how did you keep going in the face of rejection?

FH: I think one of the biggest reasons that I kept going was because I wanted to finish school, so I just kept doing the things while I was in school. If I wasn't in school, I don't think I would have kept going because I financially wouldn't have been able to. I have student loans, but the financial part was a huge part of like. School was the only reason I was able to keep driving forward because it's a very expensive hobby that you doesn’t guarantee a job after. Those are really difficult conversations that I don't think people are having because money plays a big part in it. The same semester that I did the Poulenc, I actually dropped out of the last three weeks of school because I was at a very low point. I had just come out to myself, but I couldn't come out to anyone else. There was a lot of self-loathing within that I was learning to figure that out. I was also the poorest I had ever been; I was like selling my plasma to buy groceries, and my groceries were a loaf of bread and some lunch meat. From that experience, I really understood why people in poverty are very depressed, and why it's so hard to get out of that cycle. It's a lot harder to keep going when you don't have your essential needs met, so that was like a big learning curve that I experienced and that taught me what's important, how to have grit and how to keep going.

I knew I loved singing. I knew I wanted to finish this degree, and I kept going. But going back to original question, singing makes me feel alive, and it fills me up. This is important to me, but I also am figuring out how it fits into my life as my priorities change. The successes that I've found funnily enough and the affirmations that I've gotten have been when I’ve said “This is it. I'm done like. I don't care.” I feel like a lot of times we all go into our auditions –I hope I'm not alone in this– and there's always this underlying thought of I need this job and I need the money. I felt like that unintentionally creates a barrier within me, and I feel like people sense that no matter how good my audition is. Many times, I've gone into an audition thinking I'm doing this for myself, and I'm doing this for fun, and I thought I was doing that until I actually did that and realized, “Oh, this is what it feels like to walk in and know that I have a full-time job at Menorah Medical Center, so I'm good if you don't hire me. I'm doing this for fun.” I was really able to let loose and somehow, they saw something in me and wanted to hire me.

As artists, we're selling ourselves and we're trying to prove something. Sometimes, they will hire you, and other times it’s a no, not today. I expect the rejection more than the job, and then I'm surprised when I get the job. I've never been a salesperson, and I kind of hate salespeople, so that was always a point of contention. You go through master’s degree classes, and people come in and talk to you and say that you have to sell yourself, be your own agent and put yourself out there. That's just not who I am, and I always felt conflicted about if this was something I was I meant to do because I can't and don’t want to sell myself. There's something that feels ingenuine about it because most of time you're not actually trying to be my friend, you're trying to sell me this car right now. If there was not this item that you were trying to sell, we would not be friends right now. I go in there being myself and being like, “okay, I'm not here to be your friend, I'm here for you to hire me, and I hope you like what you see.”

This though process was solidified in one scenario after my DMA. The opera director at the time, Mo Zhou had me come in and sing for an opera agent, and I really didn't want to. I just really didn't want to cause at that point that that year I think I had submitted about 35 or 40 applications. It was most I had ever done in a year and I got 3 auditions and I was burned out. I thought “you know what? I don't want to be 40 years old and still trying to make it. If this is not what I'm meant to do like, I mean at some point I need a course correct. I’m having a rough day and screw it, I'm going to sing this song because I actually love this song, and I don't care if you don't want it me to start with it.” I just kind of went in with the attitude of like, “you're welcome; I know I sing this well, and I want nothing from you.”

After I sang, the agent said, “I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in signs from the universe. I got a call this morning from someone asking me for a Marietta, and if I had one, and this morning, I didn't have one.” I emailed him, and I said I can do it because it was just a concert production. Nothing came of it, and that was fine. But that was that was the first moment in an audition where someone expressed interest and had a lot of good things to say. Then with the Lyric Opera of Kansas City Resident Artist Program (RAP), I did not think I was going to get that; it was kind of on a whim. I was thinking that “They already had me as a young artist, so they've had enough of me, and I'm sure they want something new and shiny from somewhere else. But I live in Kansas City and I really like singing, and I think I'm going to regret not doing it.” Last year, when I was in the Lyric Opera of Kansas City (LOKC) chorus, we did Carmen and La Traviata, which are both shows that I can do, and it was very painful to do La Traviata because I knew that role and I did that role in Italy. I knew that I wanted to do that, so that prompted to think, “okay, I guess I'm not done with singing yet. Let's do it.” Anyways, that's how that happened, and that kept me going, all these moments where I realized, “OK, I really love doing this.”

Aimee: Do you feel like as you age that you're less competitive as you go into an audition? 

FH: When you don't know people, it's a little different than when you're in Kansas City with people you know. We all know each other and we all support each other.  This ties in with something I forgot to say earlier, but I started auditioning and performing more in undergrad because of the affirmations that I was receiving. I was going to auditions, feeling like everyone was competition and hearing about people play mind games with each other that it’s a dog eat dog world. There's not enough room. You got to put your elbows out. I wanted that affirmation, the praise, and as I started to change, grow, and make friends and have conversations with them, I realized we're all in this together. No one's getting anything, so why be miserable? And hating everything when just be honest with yourself and your priorities and what you want and be happy for whoever does get whatever. Because sometimes it's just not your day, and if you weren't chosen, then it's not for you. Then there's something different, better, more satisfying or for your own growth that will come along. I think that’s where I've landed now going into auditions before. Now when I approach auditions, I don't talk to anyone because I don't want to. I'm not very good at like guessing what other people are thinking or what their intentions behind their conversations, and it stresses me out. Now, I just put in my headphones, or I read a book, and I just don’t look up at anyone and I keep myself right. 

I don’t know whether that's standoffish or not, but then I'll sing, and when I come out, I haven't gotten in my head with anyone. Then we chat, have fun, and I wish people good luck, and that’s that.

Aimee: What are your performing goals for the future?

FH: Honestly, I'm not totally sure. I know what I like and what I don't like or like, what feels good and what doesn't. I have learned a lot about myself in the past few years and realized that my priorities in life is a slower lifestyle. It keeps me more grounded. I really enjoy singing, and I used to have the mentality where I can't say no to anything, but now I'm only do the things I want to do, which is why I applied for the RAP. For the next five years, I like Kansas City, and we'll probably stay for a little bit longer, but I'm also interested in maybe moving to a place that has even more singing options. I love the LOKC a lot, but I wish there were more opera companies in Kansas City.

I want more of a Music and Arts scene, but then I really enjoy having a job that's not in music. Fun fact, I almost didn't go to grad school because I almost tried to go to med school. I had this big life crisis where I took human anatomy, and I loved that class. A lot of people taking that class were pre-med or in the nursing school, which I loved, and I thought I had a new-found joy. I want to help people, so I've always been interested in the medical field. Even though I'm not a doctor or a nurse, being in that scene is fulfilling for me because I'm helping people get the surgeries they need, and then I'm seeing them on the other end of the surgery, and it is life changing. They got what the help they need, and I'm helped in a small part of that. It also feels good to go up against insurance companies because they're pretty difficult most of the time. I deal directly with the insurance companies about getting the necessary approvals and things like that. It's really satisfying to have job with stability because I need that to feel more creative so then I'm not so worried about the paycheck that comes along with my singing gig. I'm actually excited to sing at LOKC this year because I'm not worried about them liking me enough to keep me in the job and give me money.  That's been very freeing to be able to do that. I might apply to a couple RAPs if it feels like it's a right step or move, but also, I'm 32, and a lot of people are kind of like showing that that's not the path anymore. I've talked to several artists that have done the RAPs for so long that they're stuck in the RAP game. If you're not careful, you can just bounce from RAP to RAP to RAP, and it's hard to break out of that into the actual professional scene. 

So, if it feels like the right move and it's a part of the country that I want to move to then I might apply and not expect anything. More so, I want to sing with small companies like Heartland Opera Theatre, and I'd love to be in the chorus for the rest of my life like Lyric Opera of Kansas City, since I get my singing in and I enjoy that. It would be nice to do a little bit more than chorus like a comprimario role now and then or maybe a bigger role at a small house like Heartland or someplace else.  For me, for who I am, knowing who I am, and how I operate, I don't think I can be my own agent and network, audition everywhere, and manage my own schedule. That's not really my thing, but I have figured out what works for me, and I love it.

Aimee: Thanks for sharing, FH!